He Said She Said PH | by Maico | Us and all the chances we took for granted | Hi. I’ve known you for years and never have I doubted my reasons way back why I’ve fallen for you. You are a gorgeous joyful soul with a kind heart and shallow tears all wrapped into one.
You tend to overthink things as you care for ’em really deep and they don’t know any of it simply because you’re so vague to show it. You can be so drunk and still talk about the little things that matter to you. You can be sober and still bad at singing any song of your choice, not to mention that you pick the lyrics incorrectly most of the time but you sing it anyway in a not so pleasant tone but yea, you never seen me disappointed.
I can spend hours staring at you thinking how come someone like you can’t be tamed by some people. I was just thinking that they are just dumb not to see how majestic you are as a person and it makes me happy for a second to have this wishful thinking that one day, you will finally find the love of your life, be a caring nurse in the near future and you are gonna be so happy that you won’t need to call me again at 2 AM telling me that you cannot go to sleep and tell stories and rants that you have against the world.
I don’t wanna be so selfish to enjoy those few nights we spend time talking about anything under the moon and sun. I can’t find ways to blur the clear fact on my head that I was in that moment simply because you cannot find someone who can understand. A minute after, it will entirely paralyze my logical thinking as I couldn’t understand why you can’t love me back.
It hurts every time and after that, believe it or not, I can still spend another hour thinking how come did I took a lot of chances to let you feel how much you mean to me and still you reject me. It is true that it hurts a bit less every time I try and still got the same that indirect “no” from yourself. I tried and tried and tried and tried because there was this idea inside my head that what if the signs you are letting me see were real. I mistakenly took your sweet gestures as a chance that maybe you can love me one day.
Our story has been a scheme of red and green roller coasters. It’s always been a phase wherein you are going to get into a relationship and be happy for a moment. No messages, no texts, no calls. Everyone knows that it will certainly be that way. Always. And there’s just me, dealing with every single day bullshits, dates for some other time, and somehow had those times where I can try to get into a relationship, and there you are again starting to scatter stardust of your attention upon me.
Just on a perfect time when I am able to start to get all of my self altogether and made myself moved on a bit. It’s always like that for years. Recently we made it again when we’re both single at the same time and you started to give off gestures I’m afraid I took so wrong. A bunch of late-night talks once again. Hours of your voice over the phone and another hour to hear you snore. And I think, I mean I’m pretty sure that you are unfair and yet before writing this, I took the chance of letting you know that I still love you and just like that, you just rejected me again. You just told me that you don’t want to ruin our friendship and you want to keep that safe distance so we would not lose connection.
But we know it was bullshit but how can I be mad at someone whom I adore the most all these years. I am releasing these words so I won’t let myself lose one more night thinking about how we went wrong. Now that I have tried it again, it feels weird that it doesn’t hurt that much anymore. Maybe there was a part of me that finally let you go even before you said “No”. Maybe this was my last “What if” and the last chance I bravely took.
Tonight, I promise to give myself a chance to find that happiness I always thought I can only have from you. Thank you for saying “No” all this time, so I can say “Yes” to myself to find the love I truly deserved.