by Karen Michelle | shared on He Said, She Said |
I clearly drew the line in hopes that you won’t misconstrued me being friendly, into something else. You’ve already read my story and you knew that I’m still hung up with the worst chapter of it. You knew how much I still long for him; that even after all this time, my heart still longs for “the” home that burnt down months ago. It’s always been him and I don’t know how long I’ll crave for his presence. I know he’s a lost cause but my heart refused to acknowledge that.
I’m not blind with your struggles, believe me. I know how you tried to break down my walls and did everything you can to paint a smile on my face. And for that, I thank you. Thank you for cheering me up and for taking me to places that you know I love. For watching me smile giddily as I take pictures of myself. You’ve always been my number one fan no matter how annoying I get . I’m a memory hoarder yet you’ve supported that quirk side. Thank you for the all your efforts. For bringing me goodies at work ‘coz you know how much I love to eat and that I’m famished most of the time. Thank you for going out of your way to bring me coffee even late at night and for your persistence no matter how many times I reject your offers. You just know that I love coffee and I badly need one at that time.
Thank you for being so thoughtful and for remembering every details of the things that I love. And please don’t think for any second that I took advantaged of your kindness. I did value our friendship and I just don’t see myself taking it into another level.
I can’t thank you enough for trying but my heart has been frozen for so long and seems impossible to thaw. All those times, I thought I can somehow feel again…but all it gave me was flashback of memories and hopes. Hopes of him doing all those things and not you. And instead of helping myself move forward, I fell in the sand and sank again, drowning in my own sorrows.
Remember the time I told you I was crying? It’s not the bitchy hormone that caused it but it was the utter loneliness and the deafening silence in my room which consumed me. And so I let it out. I cried and cried but instead of turning away, you were there to comfort me. I guess you already knew that it was not the hormones, but it was his memories haunting me again.
You don’t deserve me. You don’t deserve a broken , insecure and lost girl who’s still trying to mend the wounds from her past. My heart is as cold as the glacier from the Antarctica and you deserve a warm, loving and sunshiny heart that will embrace your goodness and your kindness. You don’t deserve someone who will only be happy for the day but cry her eyes out at night. You don’t deserve a half-hearted love nor a half-hearted yes ‘coz a love that is as big as what you can offer merits the same intensity that’ll come back to you in full waves, not just trickles of water or in a thin stream. You deserve someone who can love you as much, someone who can reciprocate. And I regret, I can’t be that person.
I’m on a maze right now and the only thing that kept me going is my career goals.. and even that, I know, I know in my heart it’s still because of him. I want to accomplish great things so he’ll be proud of me. No matter how I convinced myself that I’ve come to terms with our unfortunate ending but there’s still that fraction of hope that I can’t seem to let go. See what a mess I am. A chaos to your very existence.
Do yourself a favor. Don’t drag yourself into my pit hole. Walk away. Walk away and never turn back. It’s for your own good. Save your heart before I splinter it in pieces. Sometimes, people can only be saved if they want to and I guess, I don’t wanna be saved yet.
At least, not for now. Not you. I’m sorry.
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