from message sender “Lena” |
(We at He Said She Said change the actual names and places and edit some parts of the message, to protect the identity of our message senders.)
He Said/She Said,
Let me start by telling you our story. My husband and I started going out in college had have been together for 10 years before finally tying the knot in 2016. We have had our ups and downs during our 10-year relationship but I believe we were happy. We however had a major hiccup in our 4th year together. When I found out that he had a one-night stand with a stranger back before our 1st anniversary. I found out because he had to tell me about it. See, he caught an STD which he may had transferred on to me. He got diagnosed in our 4th year. Since I was his only sexual partner at that time, he could only get it from me. He, however, was my first and I’ve had no sexual partner since so there was no question as to where I could have gotten it. It was difficult year for us but I forgave him and we were able to put this behind us. He was sorry and very remorseful and I forgave him. He is a good man after all and I believed in him.
Five years later, he proposed and I happily accepted. We started planning our wedding soon after. I immersed myself in the preparation, being the giddy happy bride and all that. He was also involved in the preparations albeit on a more reserved manner. In the last few months leading up to our wedding, I noticed that he seemed very stressed and agitated at times. I attributed this to wedding jitters and I understood because I was feeling them too. Besides, he was also busy with the logistics of our moving in together and finding a new place for us which was settled when his officemate offered to reserve a vacant apartment unit two floors from their own.
We tied the knot and soon settled into our routine. See, I work on a mid-shift and would usually be home by midnight while he is on the normal 9-5 shift. I believed in my heart that we were doing well and when asked I would always say that I was lucky that I married him.
Merely two months into our marriage, I got pregnant and we were ecstatic. For me, it was adjusting from the single working woman to a married soon to be mom in a span of a few months, but I was doing pretty well considering. Until one night, when I was 7 months pregnant. I had been continuously texting my husband during the day and I have informed him that I will be coming home earlier than usual. He did not reply when I sent him the taxi details (something that he insists that I do always for safety since I always come home late). So I came home early and I walked in on him kissing another woman. The officemate who reserved the apartment on our behalf. To say that I was shocked and devastated was an understatement. My happy and contented life was a big fat lie.
Just by coming home early, I opened a can of worms. Oddly enough, I was calm and collected during that night. I let the other woman out of the house. Something that I sometimes thing about. You know, maybe I should have beaten the crap out her first. Being the well-bred girl that I think I am, I asked before I attacked. I let the girl out and confronted my husband. Looking back, that night is but a blur. I didn’t feel much really, maybe because I blocked everything out.
It turned out that while I was busy with the wedding preparations, my husband was busy with something else. My husband, I suppose, has been feeling a lot of pressure from the wedding. He once told me that he felt that he needed to treat himself so booked himself in a hotel for a week and that was fine by me. I trusted him completely and I realize now that maybe I trusted him too much.
I knew about this friend that he has. They joined their company at around the same time so they moved in the same circle. I know that my husband and this woman are friends and I have had no problem with this. I have met her actually, we have been introduced and we are acquainted and we have been to the same events together. Besides, the woman was also in a long-term relationship with her boyfriend who also works in the same company. I really did not think of her as someone who is capable of doing this. She was young and intelligent and I actually expected more from her.
Apparently, on one of the times that he was looking for a place for us, this woman offered to join him as she was living in the same area that he was looking into. Until one day, she asked my husband if she could go with him into hotel room as she wants to see how the rooms look like. I know, my eyebrows reached the roof when I heard this but my husband swore this is how it happened and he is a very reserved man so I don’t really see him doing the asking. So, they made out that night. This happened a just a few days before the wedding. My husband said that he let it happen because he wanted to give it try, wanted to know how it will be with another woman as he will be committing himself to me after the wedding. You see, he was a virgin when he had that one night-stand, he never really had any sexual experience aside from me so maybe he felt that he was missing out and here is somebody who is willing enough to do this with him without much effort from his part. I don’t want to make excuses for him but he says that this is the only reason why he did this.
They had an understanding then that there was really nothing into it and should not affect anything. So we wed and moved in together (into the apartment that this woman saved for us, it’s sick, I know). In the next few months, I was told that nothing else physical happened but being in the same team and living in the same apartment complex, it really was inevitable that they continue to see each other. I also found long calls to the woman in my husband’s phone bill and I also found out that they have been going to and from the office together (sharing an Uber ride, practical but still).
I confronted my husband about this and his reason for doing this is that the woman was getting clingy and wanted to continue with their arrangement. He was trying to break it to her slowly. He was feeling guilty and was scared and as to what the woman would do so he always accommodated her when she wants to talk. He said that he was always trying to convince the girl that he could not offer her anything other than his friendship. Then he admitted that on one of these difficult nights, he went up to the woman’s apartment unit to talk and they ended up making out with the woman giving him a blowjob. I was already five months pregnant when this happened.
He said they continued to talk outside office hours but he said he never agreed to coming into the woman’s apartment unit again. Until one day when there was a big issue in their office which they discussed on their way home. The woman then asked if she could come into our apartment and one thing led to another. So that’s how I found out, by walking in on them kissing.
At this point, I think I have already experienced a whole range of emotions. Grief, rage, hurt, self-pity and more. I am tired of thinking of the what ifs and should have’s. I am tired of thinking of how naïve and trusting I have been that I was blindsided by all these.
I would very much like to move on from all of this. I wanted to give my husband another chance. He has shown himself to be a good father and he is a good man. But I am fearful that it may not be in him to be totally loyal to me. I am not sure if he is still capable of it and it hurts me because it makes me think that I am not worth it. My husband has been very remorseful and swears that it will never happen again but he has always been a very loving and attentive husband that I never even suspected that he was having an affair that I’m scared that I wouldn’t even notice if something happens again.
I also feel a deep sense of injustice after this happened. I feel that it seemed very unfair that while we are struggling in our marriage there were no repercussions on the other woman’s side. I wanted to tell her boyfriend about what happened but I realized that I don’t want to be the person to break his heart and that my intentions where not for his benefit but to take revenge. I know I did the right thing by stopping myself from taking revenge or any other impulsive actions but it is such a bitter pill to swallow.
So now, I am in this marriage and I committed myself to a man who I am afraid could not commit himself to me. I want to make this marriage work not only because of my children (we had a second child this year) but because I deserve better. I deserve to be happy. But I am finding it difficult to move on from this, move on from my emotions and my hurts. There are times when I feel really good about myself and us but suddenly I am flooded with images of them together. I am really tired of this cycle and I am hoping that there is still a hope for me and our marriage. I have not confided my problem to anyone so I have been carrying this alone from almost two years. Please help me. – Lena
Hi Lena. Honestly, we have received far more worse situations than yours. So don’t think yours has no solutions. Kinda complicated, yes, but solvable, depending on how strong you are and how strong your faith is in God. From the point of view of a guy, I should say that he still loves you and your kids but is just under some kind of “spell” from the girl. Hindi naman siya kinukulam o ginagayuma ha? It’s just that the hold of the girl on him and his thoughts is deep. So this kind needs a lot of prayers and steadfastness from you. In other words, sana handa kang lumaban. Fight for your man, that is. All I can offer you is a prayer. If you are a Catholic, here’s a Novena to Mary, Undoer of Knots (click please). If you’re not a Catholic, here are 2 prayers:
Your husband. “Deliver him from her deceptive, vain, flattering words. Father, loose the cords of his sins. Destroy the yoke with Your anointing. I pray You will not give him up to a reprobate mind. Save him from the spirit of whoredoms which has caused him to err. Enlighten my husband’s understanding. Let his heart see. And may he put away this evil and not destroy his soul. Forbid it Lord that this sin bring about severe consequences. I know that You discipline Your children because You love us. Have compassion on us, Abba Father. May Your kindness and goodness lead my husband to repent.”
The other woman. “Cause this woman to cease from playing the harlot. You said that adultery is evil and it is a great sin. You have taught us that our bodies are Your temple and anyone that defiles this temple, You will destroy. Adulterers shall not inherit the kingdom of God suffering the vengeance of eternal fire in the lake which burns with fire and brimstone: which is the second death. Put a godly fear in her, put love for her own soul. I pray for a godly repentance.”
Be steadfast and have a forgiving heart. Know that God is your Rock. – Tito Homer
Hi Lena. Wow! You’ve been through a lot. I can say that you’re a strong woman. But being strong has its limits, especially when you feel you are the only one fighting for your marriage. It’s good you didn’t tell anyone what you’re going through, kasi mas konti ang nakaka alam, mas konti ang makikigulo. And by the time you fixed this, they won’t judge neither of you kasi nga wala silang alam so mas madali ayusin.
Ok. Let’s do this step by step.
1. Go to a priest/pastor or (spiritual director if you have any) with your husband. They are the ones who could give you good advice. Especially if they know you personally.
2. You “must” be able to forgive him completely. No ifs and buts. Wholeheartedly. It’s hard, but possible. Pray for healing first, and ask the Lord to just help you wake up one day na wala na lahat ang sakit. You can’t forget. Of course not. Unless you develop Alzheimer’s disease. Haha joke lang. Forgetting is impossible, but forgiving is possible. Because it is in forgiveness that you’ll find true peace and happiness.
3. Go to confession together if you are Catholics. And ask the priest to pray for you.
4. Talk to his parents. Not yours! You wouldn’t want to start world war three. Tell them what you’re going through and help you pray. They don’t need to talk to your husband. Just tell them you just need someone to run to. Tell them your parents don’t know the situation because you don’t want them to see your husband as a philanderer. You want to maintain the respect they have for him.
5. If you can, look for a 9-5 job. This will help you fix whatever is broken easier. Create new and happy memories together.
6. In every decision you make, pray. Prayer will be your best weapon against the evil one. Pray also for the woman involved. Pray for her to have the conscience to stay away.
7. Look for another place to stay. If you need to terminate the contract with your current apartment do it. If you need to pay just pay for it. Pera lang yan. Kikitain nyo pa yan. What’s important is you have peace of mind.
8. If your husband is willing to look for another job ask him to do it. Because as long as they see eacj other, temptation will always be there. Sabi nga nila pag bawal mas challenging.
I will pray that you will be able to bounce back from this mess that your husband created. With lots of prayers, you can do it. Lastly, let me share a prayer to you….
Lord Jesus bless and preserve my cherished husband whom you have given to me. Let his life be long and blessed, comfortable and holy, successful and free. Let me ever be a blessing and a comfort to him. A sharer in all his sorrows a consolation in all the accidents and trials in life. Make me forever lovable in his eyes and forever dear to him. Unite his heart to mine in fondest love and holiness and mine to him in all sweetness, charity and submission. Keep me from all ungentleness. Make me humble and obedient that we may delight in each other according to your blessed word. May both of us rejoice in you having our portion in the love and service of God forever and ever. Amen. – Tita Jinky