How do I get out of an abusive relationship?

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from message sender “Sandy” |

(We at He Said She Said change the actual names and places and edit some parts of the message, to protect the identity of our message senders.)

Hello there, guys! I really like your page as it’s very informative and so beneficial from someone like me who’s suffering from an abusive relationship and seeking advice. I really hope that you can share your insights. Here’s my story.

I believe I am currently in an abusive relationship with my BF of two years. We met at the same company I work in and I was attracted to him because of his physicality and presumed maturity as he is 5 years older than me. My co-workers told me that they didn’t really like him for me when he was starting to “court” me. They said he seemed like a person who’d hurt me. He didn’t formally court me as we just had lunch together often. But after a few weeks of those episodes, we decided to give put a label — “in a relationship.”

I noticed that from the onset, he seemed to have some trust issues based on how he questioned me daily about other guys I came in contact with. He didn’t want me to connect with any guy in the office unless it was for business. He even questioned me on my outfits and often nagged me till I cried. Worse, he’d call me names like b*tch or w*ore or s*ut. I later found out that my ex-boyfriend moved to the same company I was. I thought that was probably the reason for his treatment of me. But he kept calling me names more often than not, for no apparent reason. Eventually, I was avoiding men in the office. I began tolerating his verbal abuses. Call it martyrdom, but I love him.

Then he started to physically hurt me. There were times he’d push me to the floor, pull my hair and drag me, and kick me while I was on the floor. I even counted the number of times he slapped me on the face — all 44 of them! I just cried and cried.

One day, I just woke up and realized this has to stop. I called it quits after 10 months. But he begged for a second chance. He promised never hurt me again and that he’ll change for the better. After 2 months of courtship, we got back together again. I was hoping things would be better this time around.

For the 6 months after getting back together, I saw him change for the better. But lately, these past few months, I can feel that there’s something wrong. A few weeks ago, I had the chance to check his phone. I discovered lots of pictures of naked girls in his social app and even noticed a marijuana stick in his bag. He was red in the face when I confronted him about those things. He admitted about the chats but said they didn’t go beyond the chats. He admitted to smoking marijuana. He asked for forgiveness and said that he really loved me. Honestly, this incident broke my heart. I felt used and deceived. We didn’t talk for 4 weeks after that incident. Eventually, I came to forgive him again. I don’t know why. Maybe I just love him that much.

One day, my BF’s mom talked to me. She said she was aware of her son’s vices and bad attitude. She advised me to leave her son and not suffer from the abusive relationship. She actually talked to me a number of times and said I’ll be happier with someone else. I felt she genuinely cared for me. Still, I refused to leave.

Recently, the verbal abuses have heightened. He’d call me names and curse at me even at work when he thinks I messed up. He said that he’d rather hurt me verbally than physically.

Now, I ask myself, what’s wrong with me? Why do I allow him to these things to me? I only believe that it’s because I love him so much. Is this still right? Because I even act as if I am happy when I am infront of my friends. Not even my family knows of these things.

I feel so lost, distressed and broken. I’m scared to lose someone that I love so much and at the same time I am scared to be trapped in this situation. Please help me.

Prayer for Peace
Prayer for Peace

He Said: Hi Sandy. Thanks for trusting us with your story. Abuse in any form is not welcome in any relationship. This is not love. No excuses. This has to stop now. You have to have peace. That is the most important thing right now. God loves you so much, so does your family and friends. There’s a whole world out there waiting for you to come out of your shell. Life is more colorful that what you currently see. As a guy, a husband and a father, I have never lifted a finger at my wife nor verbally abuse her in the more than 25 years we’ve been married. All the hurts that your BF is inflicting on you seems to be intentional. Is that love? In your situation, love seems to be a one-way street. It’s you giving love and not getting anything in return. As a father to 2 daughters, I’d be hurt a million times if this happened to them. I’d get them out of the relationship right away, no questions asked. Your father would do the same thing. My advice now is for you to tell you parents first and foremost of your predicament. They need to know this. Please, for your loved ones’ sake, tell them. If you have a bestfriend, you too, can tell her about it. We can only advise you and pray for you. But you have to make the first physical step in reaching out to them. Get out of the relationship. Period.

Lastly, find yourself. Seek out who you are. Find your life’s purpose. Don’t seek your self in others. It’s not that you are nothing without them. You must be able to stand on your own and your own principles.

We hope that many more abused women will relate to this and heed our advice. Thank you for speaking out. That little voice in you makes you a hero for standing up for many more women in your situation.  Ask God now to come into your heart and give you inner healing and peace. Ask God to give you His strength for you to move forward. God loves you more than you’ll ever know. It’s time you experienced His great love. Pray unceasingly. Trust, believe and surrender everything to Him. His plans are perfect. He will lead you to the Right One. God bless you, Sandy.

She Said: Being in an abusive relationship is wrong. You should get out at the first sign of abuse. Be it physical, emotional or verbal. Love should be the opposite. Why will you hurt the person you love? Abusers will tell you they hurt you because they love you. Please think again. Will you do it to your loved ones? Probably not.

So my side on this is to talk to people closest to you (family), who can best help you. They will be your best ally in situations like this. They can be your best protector. But of course pray to God to help you give up this person no matter how much you love him/her. Keep in mind that you deserve better and the Lord has prepared someone you truly deserve. Wait for the right one. God loves you and He didn’t want you to suffer. So get up and move forward. Life is beautiful and simple. Enjoy and don’t complicate it. God bless everyone ☺.


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