Yoj

By Sha Lom | shared on He Said, She Said |

What words do I need to use?

None of the words could ever explain about this. What is it in life that’s missing? What is it in place that fits? What is it in time that ran out? What is happiness if I’m not into feeling it?

A kind of me is missing perhaps! I want to miss you like crazy has a kind-of-brother word so that at least I can freely speak about what I felt like nobody gets it. I want to just keep everything as my own. But my heart wants to shout it out and my mouth just can’t.

I thought only our brain can control everything we do. Is there this theory that human’s heart can sense and control whatever we feel? Oh God! I just don’t know what to do and say anymore. I know what i feel. And its not that right.

I tend to just keep out. But every single night your name knocks my entire being. Letting me think a thing way far and more complicated than complicated itself.

I can’t believe I must miss you every single time. What am i to you? What are you to me? What is it that we’ve had which keeps me feeling weird each time I think about you and me alone? I like you and I want to love you as well. But I can’t be that strong enough to fight for this feeling because I know it’s just me feeling it. And I don’t understand what my heart tells me. It never gave up letting me feel I loved you.

Sometimes, I want a pause in time to know what it really means, for I think if I decided to play it again it will give me a clear sign of whose name would be shouted first. I just don’t know what to do this anymore!

This might be Ed Sheeran’s fault. Because everytime I hear his song every word from it drives me to think of you. I want to tell my mind that you are not allowed to visit it anymore. Well how can I? It’s just your name that keeps it alive. Thinking about you makes me smile. What is it in your name that indulges me to fall and fall for you after all such rejection? What is it in you that keeps me falling into real love?

Though I’m not into seeing you for several months now, I still captured the last time I saw you smile and my heart is crying for I am not the reason why you do so. Sad.

Ask me if how frustrating it is to feel things and you’re not supposed to say? Why do things I took as fallacy keeps on getting so much real now? I can hold it for now. I can still handle things for now. But how about tomorrow? Or the next days? I don’t want to guess.

I’m trying to keep myself away from loving you. Why? I just don’t know. I don’t have the faintest idea why I need to do so. Possibly because another rejection is waiting. Messy love is in the corner, I think.

For now, I just want to develop a circle that consists only of me and you and it can’t be done for some reason. Reason that I still came to look forward to and now what I can only do is only wonder.

What is it in you that keeps me holding up my feelings? What is it in every Ed’s song that keeps me thinking of you? Why do I love his music still, while at the same time wanting to keep you out of my mind? Why does every single thing keep on getting harder when I think about you? Yes, I still do.

Why am I so much hooked into wanting to love you? Why do I use “keep” in all of my sentences? Why do I need to KEEP and KEEP all over again? Why is it that I can’t even end this story?! WTH


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