by Faith Taguiling
Hello. Am I confusing you? Am I being sweet then suddenly distant? Do I look like I care yet aloof all of the sudden? I know I am.
I am sorry for being a gray area in your life. Trust me, I am trying. I am trying my hardest to show you how much I love you but I am petrified by the ghost of my past. Believe me when I say I care for you because heaven knows how much I value your presence. I seriously want to make you feel my love but I am being hunted by the pain of loving someone who didn’t love me back.
Brand me as selfish bitch but I am just being true. Mock me for being coward but never mock the pain I went through. Hear me or hear me not, let me tell you this.
I made him the center of my life, I offered him every second that I have, I bended my rules to meet his likes, and I altered myself to be qualified. I made irrational decisions by thoughtlessly disregarding myself.
Despite of it all, he left me shredded into pieces. I lost myself trying to prove that I am worthy of his time and that I am qualified. With that, my self esteem and self worth crumbled down. In pain and totally wrecked, I swallowed the bitterness of my fate. I tried to rebuilt myself from scratch but seeing him happy and contented with her didn’t make it easy. It took me a lot of courage to live again.
And so I guarded my heart with bricks and thorns. I buried my past at the deepest place I know but when you came I realized that it was shallow. In your “hello,” memories came back. The pain I went through hunted the hell out of me.
Now I am scared to open the door for you. I am sorry for being distant for you found me already damaged. I am sorry for not showing my love for I am scared that you might just be his copycat. Forgive me for unfairly making you akin with him but the scars keeps reminding me to slow down.
I love you. Yes, I love you. But my anxiety is barring me from letting you in. Pardon if you are suffering. But know that I am suffering too from all the “what ifs” in my mind.
One day I know that I will have the courage to open the door and go against all odds, just to show you how much I love you. Till then, kindly patiently wait for me. But if ever you feel tired of waiting, know that I understand that I need to let you go.
I am sorry that I met him first. Otherwise, it might have been a different story for us.