HeSaidSheSaidPH.com | Indefinite Halt (a sequel) by Maico | It took me 30 minutes to stare at my screen before I initiated typing. Those 30 minutes have been the longest minutes of my life lately. Have you ever got that feeling that yes, you got the title ready for your piece, and yet, there are no words coming out but there are hundreds of words going in and out of your mind.
All you know in that very moment is just to embrace the pain you are dealing with. There is no other way but to get through it. When I started to tell myself inside my head that it will gonna be okay, my heart mourned entirely and my soul knows the truth that it will be impenetrable and so a tear fell off. A tear that somehow stood as the carrier of my chaotic totality at that moment. You know how much I held on to the hope of “ours” can withstand anything that will come through because I see it in your eyes the moment you came back after years and finally take the risk of giving “us” the shot I’ve always dreamed of.
What we had was lowkey as much as it could. We wanted to keep it simple as much as we did but, you didn’t let me know that your definition of lowkey and simple could go way too austere and it even made me defy my rational ways of letting you feel how blessed I am to have you. You made me feel that giving you skip surprises, late-night walks, rare finger interlocks, gentle kisses, and abrupt lengthy sweet messages in between can be something that makes me a lesser man. You opened up a new alley wherein my act of explaining things to you just because I wanted this to work out can be too “emotional” for those eyes that I thought wouldn’t see my soul as shallow as that. I ended up believing that you were right.
I believed that I am always a bit more this and too much of that as you say. You likely said to me that I can never be enough and yet, because I gave countless chances, I thought maybe you were right and all I can do is to stare at you whenever I see you without noticing me and I still feel blessed even when deep down into my core, I know something is drifting apart.
Who would’ve thought that the first piece “Sweetest Halt” can turn upside down to Indefinite Halt? Last night, I told the stars stories about you and after quite some time, I finally wish upon them that if this will fail, then let it be. I know that the next version of myself is just there to catch me. I halted myself pushing something that will deteriorate our connections further. And yes. We ended it and I finally found that part of me that learned to let you go.
Pinalaya kita at kasabay non yung paglaya ko sa mga gabing di ko maisip saan banda ba ako may pagkukulang. Hindi dahil sa gusto ko, pero ito yung pinapa ramdam mo sa akin na kailangan mo. It kills me seeing you not comfortable when I’m around. You were my safe haven and I refuse to see myself pushing everything that you don’t want just because you know by yourself na wala naman na talaga. And as far as I know, we couldn’t consider that as love to begin with. Sometimes a good thing doesn’t happen to us because we are destined to be the “good thing” to happen to other people. Sometimes life is in a mission of letting them learn lessons of life and unfortunately, life chose us to be the means to make their reality. We are both victims of either love that happened on a not so timely favor o tayo yung pag ibig na hindi kinaya ipaglaban ng sabay. Hindi na ‘to usapin ng kung sino ang nagkulang.
Hindi na rin tayo bata para ipilit lang yung mga bagay-bagay dahil lang sa nagmahal tayo. When the right time comes, I know I will meet you again. But my life won’t stop waiting for someone unsure of me. I will strive harder to be the better version of myself. Thank you for making me realize how big my heart was and how mature my decisions were when life lets me see that you can be happier without me. If one day our paths crossed again for the third time, When the right time comes and the affection is still there then let it be. But if not, I know we have become the better version of ourselves as we part our ways down here.
I decided to let you be the person you wanted to become. Yung buo. Yung ikaw na minsang yumakap sa buong pagkatao ko. Yung ikaw nahanda na ulit mag mahal. We can never have the best version of “ours” when one of us isn’t totally healed. At dahil mahal kita, Malaya ka na.