by Jesy | shared on He Said, She Said |
They say Christmas Season is the happiest time of the year.
But why do I feel this way? It seems to be the saddest part.
It’s been a month since you left, since you left me hanging. I can still freshly remember the day when you sent the text “give me time…space. I want my me-time, I want to be alone”. Upon reading that, my heart was shattered into pieces. The man who means a lot me, suddenly wanted to break up with me. The words echoed as if you were in front of me saying, ” I don’t need you anymore, I don’t love you anymore.”
I was left with so many questions. Why did it happen? What were your reasons? What have I done wrong? Was it all my fault? What did I miss?
I wanted to fix everything just after you sent those messages. I tried to call you but you rejected. I wanted words so I tried my best to get answers from you. But every time I asked you why, you had always answered me with “I don’t know, just take this opportunity to explore the world.”
Days passed but I didn’t stop. I still wanted words from you, I wanted you to tell me your reasons. Until one day, you finally said the words that will make me stop.
“I don’t feel the same way as before. I don’t love you anymore.”
The already broken pieces of my heart were again broken into smaller pieces. I was not ready to hear those words. Another set of questions popped into my mind, since when? Since when were you pretending that you still love me? Why did you not tell me about it?
I tried to ask you those questions but you gave no response. I asked if you were happy of your decision, you said yes. So, I asked for one last favor. I wanted us to meet. I asked you to tell me personally that you don’t love me anymore, that you are breaking up with me.
I went into your place the day after asking that favor. I was from work and it took a 2 hour bus ride going to your place. I’ve waited for you but you said you were still busy at work. I’ve waited but you later texted me- “I don’t wanna see you, go home now. Take care.”
I wanted justice. I wanted formality. I wanted to hear straight from you that you don’t want me anymore, that you don’t love me anymore. I wanted you to give me at least a nice breakup but you didn’t let me see you for the last time.
I never imagined that you would be this cruel, you would this harsh. Where did the past 5 years go? Instead of hearing an apology from you for breaking my heart, you just let your pride consume you. I never heard a sincere apology from you. Not even a simple thank you.
So now I decided to stop. To stop chasing, to stop asking you questions, to stop hoping that you would talk to me. To stop waiting that you would come back.
I spent the past 5 years of Christmas with you and I know this year would be different because it will be without you. I know it would still be a happy one because I have my family with me but it should be happier if you are with us because you already became a part of the family.
Christmas is a time for forgiveness. I know it takes time. But I want you to know that you are already forgiven. And please forgive me too for all my shortcomings as your girlfriend. Please forgive me for not being enough though I already gave my all to you. That was my very best.
Christmas is a time for a new hope. I’m hoping that you will still keep our memories together. That the good things you learned from me will remain in you.
Christmas is a time for love. One thing is for sure, I will not stop loving you. You will always have a spot in my heart. But I will not ask you to love me back, instead, pour the love you’ve taken away from me to your family. Love your family even more.
And if God would ask me what gift will I ask for Christmas? I will ask for healing. Healing for the both of us. That he may mend our broken hearts. For our hearts to be whole again and regain its ability to love again.
I will still continue to pray for you and your family.
Despite of what happened, I still wish you a Merry Christmas.
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