My Last Piece for You, J

my last piece

Dear J,

I am not writing this para mag-inarte or anything. I did this because I have to vent out my feelings kasi wala naman akong mapagsasabihan nito.

I am still tearing apart.  I am still wondering how could you hurt me. I am still crying and I am confused. I am still broken but still love you and want you back.

But I can’t be selfish not to give you your freedom if that’s what you want. No day has passed without you crossing my mind. The moment I open my eyes, ikaw agad ang naiisip ko and up to the time na matutulog ako. There were nights na nakakatulog na lang ako kakaisip sa’ yo, kung ano ang nangyari sa atin. Kung bakit mas pinili mo siya kesa sa akin when in fact, ginawa ko naman lahat para sa ‘yo. Because according to you, wala naman akong ginawang mali.

Pero bakit ako? Ba’t di ako yung pinili mo? You didn’t even give me the chance to save whatever was left of us. Instead, you ran after her. You pursued her. Worse is, sa kanya ka pa unang nagpaliwanag. You didn’t even consider na ako yung karelasyon mo noon.

I deserve more of your reasons than her. I remember noon sa Sto. Domingo, sabi mo pangarap mo na makasama siya. Di ba, sabi mo noong tayo pa, you can’t wait na magkaroon tayo ng sariling pamilya? Saan na napunta yun?  

Noong kasal ni Bong, you were telling me na uwi ako diyan kasi  a-attend tayo sa kasal, unknowingly, siya na pala ang kasama mo and you were all smiles sa mga picture at magkatabi pa kayo. Some comments pa sa picture niyo next na daw kayo na ikakasal.

Sobrang sakit habang nababasa at nakikita ko yun. How I wish I could just die para di ko na maramdaman lahat ng ito. Bago ka umuwi ng Bicol, August yun, lasing ka pa nun, pinuntahan kita sa Litex. You promised me na ako lang — na hindi ka mambababae dun. Pero siya pala ang dahilan kaya ka umuwi.

Am I not worth it? The sixth day of the month was significant to you kasi nga all best things happened to you on that day.  You got hired and naging tayo. I believed you nung sinabi mo sa akin yan on our anniversary.  That’s one of the sweetest words I heard from you but after few days later, it was all pain already.

Siguro, what makes it hard for me to move on is kasi di pa rin malinaw sa ‘kin kung ano’ng mali sa akin kaya mo ako iniwan.

July 28, we took our lunch together, sabi mo kung di kita tinawagan noon nung nasa MOA kayo, siguro nasa Litex ka pa ngayon, siguro tayo pa. You were also saying that you were just  friends nung time na yun. Pero, why call her “love,” kung friends lang kayo. Nag-usap kami nung babae mo nun and hindi niya alam na gf mo ako. Kahit nung nagtanong siya sa mga kasama mo sa bahay,  tinago din nila na my gf ka. Na walang ako. Hindi ko maintindihan bakit mo ako itinago. I don’t deserve lahat ng ginawa mo. I really don’t. This is the hardest break up I had. I’m sorry if paulit-ulit ko na lang ginagawa ito. Sobrang bigat kasi ng pakiramdam ko. I can’t contain it.

I’m trying to let go. Even if it’s very hard for me. I believe that true love doesn’t give up. I should fight for love because I know your worth it. I have to fight even if you keep on resisting. But, I have to accept the fact that I have to let you go.

Hindi naman ako napagod kakalaban, boss. It’s just that even how hard I try to pull you from her, you keep on ignoring me. Everytime I profess my love for you, you just reply with an Okay, “K” and  sometimes, you just laugh. You never appreciated my efforts to regain your affection. Slowly, I’m losing my grip on the chance na sana maging tayo ulit. We will never know what comes ahead.

That’s true. Kaso, di mo na nakikita ang sarili mo na kasama ako. From the time I said I love you, I really meant it, and I was so sure, that I wanted to spend my life with you. I was ready for you but you were not sure about me. I was willing to give my all but you were skeptical. I can sacrifice for you, but you couldn’t see how hard it was for me. I was willing to dive and risk for you but you risked me for someone else.

It’s been months of struggle. I have this one video where you were singing the theme song of “Ang Probinsyano,” that said, “kung wala ka ng makapitan, kapit ka sa akin, di kita bibitawan.” This reminds me to trust you na in time babalik ka. Pero kelan yun?  Baka kasi di na dumating yun.

Ewan ko nga, nakukuntento ako sa konting oras na binigay mo sa ‘kin ‘pag nagla-lunch tayo. Even in that short time, nagiging masaya ako kahit hindi dapat.

I love you so much, ‘bie. You don’t know how hard it is for me to accept the fact na your happy with some else. Just the idea of you spending your lifetime with her, kills me.

I don’t know what happened to me, why I’m so drowned with my love for you that I can’t get up again. No one can help me about this. Pero sana naramdaman mo yung pagmamahal ko sa ‘yo, even if it was not reciprocated.

I love you despite of what you did. I love you even if you gave up on me. I love you even if your love for me was weak. I love you even if you did not truly love me in return. I love you even if you were treating me like trash. And I love you even harder when I realized I lost you. I don’t know how to start again.

Sabi mo nga, I have to go back to who I was nung wala ka pa. It’s all different now. I always pray na kayanin ko pa. Kinakaya ko naman kaso nga lang bumabalik pa ang lahat ng nangyari sa akin — sa atin.

You still have my love and care. You will always have a part of who I am. Nagkasakit ka the past week, and I was so worried about you. Kahit ano namang pag-aalala ang ibigay ko wala naman akong magawa kasi wala akong karapatang alagaan ka. Take care. Alagaan mo ang sarili mo. Kumain ka ng maayos. Take a good rest para hindi ka nagkakasakit. Kasi you are at your sweetest when you’re sick. :)

I just remember nung may sakit ka, that was the hug na nagparamdam sa akin that I was very important to you. You were hugging me as if, you couldn’t live without me. You were hugging me as if you were afraid to lose me.

Pero iba na ang gusto mo ngayon. And you chose her over me. That’s well accepted already. Pero mahal na mahal na mahal pa rin kita.

I hate the feeling of longing for your hugs and kisses which give me comfort. I want you to be beside me pero malabo na kasi yun.

You will always be a part of my life. You will always be my “biebieboss,” kahit sa memories na lang yun.

I love you so much boss. I really do.

Eama

 

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