To the One Who Still Holds My Heart

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Hey. I miss you. I miss our late night conversations and your funny-sounding voice. I miss your corny jokes. I miss how you get jealous over little things. I miss you so damn much. I miss us.

I know it would be inappropriate if I tell you these things now since you’re doing so well without me. And I’m glad, I’m glad that you are. At least one of us is truly happy.

I know that you’ve already moved on and had forgotten about me. But there was a part of me that was hoping that you haven’t. It was stupid. I was stupid. I tried to restrain myself from checking your social media account and failed so miserably. I had to talk to you. I had to have you hurt me more in order to kill that little bit of hope that was beginning to grow in my heart. And so I did.

I gathered every bit of courage I can find. When I finally hit the friend request button on your profile that day, I knew there was no turning back. That deed kept me up the whole night. I was beginning to get anxious for being so reckless with my decision and just when I was about to cancel the request, you accepted it.

I was consolidating my ‘speech’ when you sent me a message. To say that I was surprised is an understatement. I didn’t expect you to be so… casual. Right then and there, I knew that I was late. Too late. You’ve successfully eliminated me from your system. Everything I planned to tell you had vanished. Even that little hope I was holding on to had disintegrated. It killed me. I was drowning in so much melancholy.

We talked so casually but there was an obvious barrier between us. I didn’t push it any further. I was going to let the memories I have of you go.

I apologized and you asked why. I told you a story I fabricated so that you won’t feel guilty. So you wouldn’t pity me. But these, these are the words that I was supposed to say;

I’m sorry. I’m sorry I wasn’t courageous enough to fight for you. I’m sorry I kept you to myself when I know you weren’t happy anymore. I’m sorry I was so selfish. I’m sorry I didn’t try to save our relationship when I had the chance to. And I’m sorry I hoped that you still love me too.

When I told you that fabricated story, you said that we should just get over it. “Friends?”, I was hesitant to accept your offer. I needed to leave and stop talking to you because I was aware that it was leading me to something that would throw me in the abyss and I was afraid I wouldn’t find my way back up.

And it did. It did throw me there. Especially when we talked about her. I felt your happiness when you were talking about her. I said things I wasn’t supposed to say and then dismissed it as a joke then on. I guess I could replace the great actresses now since you weren’t able to tell that I was lying.

Lastly, I want to tell you that I have loved you and I still do. I might not have been able to express it when I had the chance to.

But I love you. So much. And goodbye. I will never want anything more than your happiness.

I love you. I love you.

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