Why I’m Still Happy

by MgraceCee | shared on He Said, She Said |

My 2016 can be compared to a land that has been devastated by a super typhoon.

It started peacefully happy with feelings and ideas that nothing worse will happen. But as the saying “Weather- weather lang yan” goes, the very fine weather was disturbed by a very destructive storm.

It has left me ravaged and ravished eventually. Similar with others’ experiences, I fell, I got wounded and I got hurt. It seems like I can’t do anything. I can’t understand what happened, and I don’t even know how to stand again.

The pain and the damage were too much for me to recover that easy. I’ve been down for how many months. I’ve been hiding all the pain and I’ve been actually hiding in it. I’ve been uptight and I wasn’t able to show what I really feel until I learned to speak my heart out; until I learned how to share my story to everyone; until I’ve seen my friends and until I realized that they’re just there observing me and waiting for me to lessen the weight of the pain in my chest by telling them what I’ve been through.

I forgot that I have those precious people while I am becoming too hypocrite to cover everything with a smile and a loud laugh and while I’ve been trying to fix myself alone. I forgot how much I needed someone/people to talk about all my sentiments.

MY DEAREST FRIENDS, I am so glad that you stayed. I am too lucky that you’ve always been there to listen to my stories I repeatedly tell; for giving me pieces of advice; and for telling me that you’re always there for me– that I always have your back. You may never know how important your support for me is. Your presence, your words, your prayers and especially your patience.

The aftermath of a failed relationship and wasted years may seem endless that there were times I woke up at 3 am and found myself crying, wishing and hoping even praying that when the sun shines, everything is fine–love is around and not pain.

I’ve seen how my father looked at me — I know that he knew I am really hurting. Knowing that, I tried my best to stand again. Realizing that tatay can do everything for me to be happy, that he’s treating me like a princess, I promised to myself that I won’t chase someone who doesn’t want me anymore. My parents didn’t raise me just to let someone else hurt me. I know I don’t deserve the pain.

TO YOU, I want to still thank you for leaving, for lying, for a quick change of mind and for hurting me. You knew it. You knew how selfish your decision was. You know how much pain it caused me. You may not exactly know how I got through the pain everyday. How you made me so paranoid that I wanted to ask several questions until my heart bleed. I’ve been in the deepest, the hardest and the darkest sorrow. The love we shared faded and the things that we do became memories now. That was a wonderful experience though, and you’ve taught me a lot and I learned from them.

After all that I’ve been through, I remain calm and positive that I’ve seen myself becoming closer to the One I have forgotten for a period of time. I sought for His help and guidance. I found Him and felt His great love. For all the weeks that I’m meeting Him, the pain and the worries lessen. The baggage of the past, little by little, has forgotten. God made me realize that not everything we wanted will be given to us. God always gives me hope that whoever is meant for us, will be given to us. He even taught me that pain is always a lesson and parting would bring you something better or maybe, it happened to lead me to the person who deserves me more. The heartbreaks made me learn, made me know my worth, and made me love myself more.

The unhappy ending of our love story helped me realize that it’s not only about how long you are together, but it is about how much you love and value each other and how one’s happiness is important to the relationship. It has led me to becoming a fighter. It made me see that the world still has a lot to offer. Happiness is not only about us not even making someone your world. Realizing the losses and the gains, I can conclude that after all, IT WAS NOT AS UNHAPPY AS IT WAS.

2017, it is another chapter. I know that this will bring a great difference. A great change may happen. I lift everything to God, to His plans, and to what’s destined to happen. I may welcome the year with fear, excitement, and hope, but what matters most is I’m ready to start again–start alone and love myself more. I will be braver, smarter and happier. You’ll see the glow in my eyes soon because this year, I will fall in love to MYSELF again. I will find my own happiness. I will make myself ready for the challenges that I may face for the new year.

Let me close the windows of the past as soon as 2016 ends and as soon as 2017 begins.

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