A Dialogue with Dad

by Mark Alden Arcenal |

I dreamed I was talking to my dad.

“Is that you my son?” Dad asked.

“I know you knew that I only got you in my stories and you know what I told ’em right— you and I were awake at only sleep nights.” I said.

Dad bowed his head. “I knew you I loved you then but I never showed. I didn’t know how to start a conversation with because of the spaces that brought us apart. I’m sorry my son. I’m sorry for the life you didn’t deserved. I am sorry for the “everything” I didn’t gave…”

I started to cry while listening to him.

“I am sorry my son…
I’m sorry if you didn’t grew up according to plan.
I’m sorry if I was not there to celebrate the man I made.
I’m sorry if I will never know the person you will be.
I’m sorry for the absences of my presence during your birthdays.
I’m sorry if you ain’t got me as your cheerleader.
I am sorry for putting the weight of the world in your shoulder.

I am sorry my child…
I’m sorry for leaving your mom.
I’m sorry for not accompanying her during the nine months.
I’m sorry for not feeding you nutritious foods when you were inside her womb.
I’m sorry for not seeing you at your 18.
I am sorry for my blood runs through your veins.

I am sorry my son…
I’m sorry if I’m so coward of not fighting you and your mom.
I’m sorry of having a family— excluding you and your mom.
I’m sorry if I failed to be your dad.
I’m sorry if I am the man you hate the most.
I am sorry for my sorrys were not enough to heal your broken soul.”

I sobbed so badly that I hardly catch my breath.

“I’ve been waiting this time for too long— to have talked with you vis-a-vis. You’re the reason why I found this life hard to deal with. I always felt the thorn of isolation thrust deeply in my heart. I found no idea if you’ll be happy if I call you “dad” but forgive me dad.

I am sorry for missing you like this.

Over the last several years, you’ve turned on everything that we tried to instill from childhood. You’re nowhere near the father I thought you would be as this point, and I’m deeply broken-hearted.

You’re the first person who broke my heart. For the rest of my life, you will always be the one who hurt me the most. Don’t forget that.

I hide my tears when I say your name, but pain in my heart is still the same. Although I smiled and seemed carefree, there is no one who longs to you more than me.

But despite of all the things happened in my life, I DID SURVIVE WITHOUT YOU.”

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