To an X who’s always been a Y

from MG | shared on He Said, She Said |

I prayed for you before you came and you didn’t fail me. You were once the sun to my sky, the moon to my stars, the butterflies to my paradise and the spark to my eyes. You awaken the hopeless romantic girl inside and you made me feel that you are worthy of my heart. You know from the very start that I was afraid to give it a try because I’m afraid to that you might leave me one day.

But you proved me wrong. You treated me as a princess. You know how conservative I am and you respected me. No touching, no kissing, just pure and sincere young love. ❤ Even though we rarely see each other because you were only allowed to go out from the seminary at least once month, you did your best to surpass the challenge of time and distance and I loved you for that. I also salute your faith and love for God and your family. I couldn’t ask for more.

But there comes a point that I doubted myself. Do I deserve your love? Am I good enough for you? Can I give back the love that you’re giving me? What if you’re tired? What if you found out that you don’t love me anymore? Those what ifs kept on playing around my head and it poisoned me. At some point, I felt that it would be unfair if you’re the one who’s always adjusting.

And so I left. I left without a proper goodbye. I left without saying why. I left without explaining. I left you hanging. And that, my dear, is the biggest mistake that I’ve done. I was selfish and immature. I should’ve explained to you my reasons but I never did because I couldn’t afford to see you cry.

I heard news and stories about you finding it hard to move on. You asked me about a lot of things but my love, I lied. I lied when I said that I didn’t love you. I lied when I said that I am okay. I lied when I said that I just want us to be “friends.” I lied when I said that I’ve moved on because 5 years have passed and it’s still you.

We tried, at least, to be friends but we still end up talking about the “what ifs” and “what-could-have-beens” and it’s not healthy. It pains you and it kills me.

And 3 months ago, after a couple of years, we talked. You said that you’ll be leaving to chase the opportunity that awaits you and I am so happy that you’re finally living the dream. Some wounds have healed but we still couldn’t look at each other directly.

Our story made me realize that not all wounds can be healed by time. It’s what you do with your time that heals you. I can say that the pain still remains but in the long run, I became used to it. I hope and pray that we can have the proper closure in God’s time.

But as of the moment, you are still the hello to my goodbye and the X to my Y.

MG ❤

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