I don’t know until when I’ll be doing this. I don’t know when I will stop running after your shadow. Truth be told, I’m freaking drowning in misery. I’ve berated myself million times already for still thinking of us being okay again. I’ve been crying myself to sleep with the thought of you spending your precious time with her. Heck, I haven’t even been getting enough sleep yet whenever I try to indulge myself in the peaceful, serene night, pictures of you and her sharing a late night conversation just destroy my tranquility.
I know the problem isn’t you. It’s me. It has always been. I know you’re just trying to be friendly whenever you say hi to me. But you do not know how much that two-letter word affects me. I get excited everytime I see your name on my inbox. But that excitement surely drops down to heartache when you hurriedly try to cut our conversation. It’s like you’re allergic to me. Yeah, really.
But I get it, there’s someone out there whom you should be spending your time with. And yes, I know that I am in no position to demand anything from you. But please, dear, could you please refrain yourself from saying hi when all you’ll say next is good night? It’s like putting me on top of a cliff then pushing me off of it without warning. It’s hurting me. BIG TIME.
At one point, I wanted you to stop talking to me since each of your ‘hi’ waters the hope in my heart that I’ve been trying to kill; the hope that I thought you’ve killed already. But no, I couldn’t stop myself from replying even if I know that it’s going to leave me torn and dead.
Also, I know you are aware that I’ll always be ready to help you. But please be sensitive enough to know that whenever you ask me things that revolve around you and her, it detonates a bomb inside me. It’s still my fault though- I always make myself available for you.
I don’t even understand myself right now.
I don’t know why I’m still writing you letters. I don’t know if I want you to read it since in that way, you might get a clearer view of what I’m feeling but with that thought comes the agony — I want you to know what I’m feeling yet at the same time, I don’t want you to. I don’t want you to feel guilty. I don’t want to ruin what you and her can potentially have. I don’t want to disturb your peaceful life. I’d rather suffocate myself in this despair than drag you here with me.
I am lost. So lost.
I am losing myself trying to chase memories of you.
Your Math Baby
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