by Manilyn Magsino
To my dead star,
I woke up to the news that you two are going good again. They say you are fine now. The say you have moved on already. Me? I do not know. I do not want to know. I do not want to know how it feels when I see you look at her the way you used to look at me. The stares you give me like I was the only girl in your world is hers already. I do not want to know how it feels to see you holding her hands and showing her your world. I want to be the only one to see that but I guess, the right is hers again. When you left for the first time, I was all mess. I tried to pick up the pieces that you broke and I thought no one can put me back together but you. I pushed you away all because of the fear that you may hurt me big time that I will not be able to recover. The truth is, I was afraid that I might fall deeper. I was afraid that you might left me. But yes, I fell deep. Yes, you left me. You left me because you met her.
But you came back. I was already fine when you did. And all of a sudden, I was all messed up again. It’s like being dragged to the same hole I once fell in. It’s like going back to the time when I see nothing but you, feel nothing but you. Painful but sweet. Scared but willing.
Should I take my words back and take your love back? Should I let myself fall again and fall to your trap? I realized, some things are not worth fighting for. You are but this love is not. My heart cannot afford to have another blow. And for the second time in my life, I let go of that one thing I will always long to have.
The first time was bearable, the second time was fatal. Or I thought it was. But then, I saw you again. You gave me that same stare I remember about you. But no, it wasn’t the same stare and I am not the only girl in your world. She is now. You held my hand like before as if you were showing me your world. But no, it wasn’t like before and your world is not for me to see anymore. It is for her now. As heartbreaking as it may sound, as painful as it may seem, I felt nothing inside. It’s like I am waiting for the pain to kill me and the regrets to choke me but there is nothing. I felt genuine happiness for you. And for myself, too.
I was surprised that the truth does hurt me no more. There were no heartbreaking scenes. Everything was like before, before love blossomed between us. I feel nothing. Maybe the love I had for you was long gone. It was a dead star, long extinguished but seem to be there. A dead star whose glow is still visible on earth years after it was gone.
They say that “Even if everything changes, there’s always a part of your heart that will remain constant.” And I guess, you are my constant. You are the forever I had in a limited time. Our forever was temporary and so are you. You are my dead star.