To the man I almost married:
Fifteen years ago, you confessed your love to me. We were eleven years old back then. Our love story was never like the others. We never danced the same rhythm. We always argue on little things and sometimes we debated on our different point of views. We were more than Tom and Jerry’s chase. We were more than Team Rocket and Team Ash Pokémon battles. We might have always argued on a lot of things but at the end of the day, we always find ways to meet at the middle and cuddle all through the night. Our love story cannot be summed up in just few paragraphs or even this letter alone.
We have filled in each other’s lives with happiness and have been together in every tough chapters in our lives. Those years we have been together is not just half of my life but believe me you are my whole life. We were too young back then to understand what love meant but along the way we have grown as mature individuals. It was an on and off relationship. Every chapter of our story always end with an ellipsis. Sometime around 2011, fate played his part to bring us back together when we were both ready. After that, we have shared everyday of our life together.
I am an imperfect woman. I’m a woman who is very dedicated with my craft but not with any household chores. How could you ever love someone like me? Then I tried to learn how to cook, bake and some other household chores. I can say that I learned a lot but you were still better than me. Aside from that I am very bad at arguments and controlling my emotions. My imperfections sometimes made you want to scream out loud but you chose not to. You chose to accept who I was.
You have a very bad temper. You easily get irritated and mad even on little things. I never wanted to be with someone like you but I realized that your imperfections don’t summed up who you are. My love is greater than your imperfection. I chose you every day of my life. We both have dealt with all we are not and who we are. We complement each other by holding each other’s hand. I would easily forgive you on things. You have this kind of magic that makes every negative feeling go away. You have a distinct way of hugging me from my back and kissing me on my forehead. You are indeed one of a kind.
However, our story had come to an end. Yes, I ended it that night because all I wanted was for you to choose me but you didn’t. I have too many things on my plate. It was just that night that I had nothing left. You hanged up the phone easily. I was crying all night long. I wanted you to come over and tell me “everything will be alright”. I wanted you to hold me until my heart no longer wanted to be held on by someone.
After that night, I was never the same person again. I had to struggle alone which I thought to be best for everyone. I was lost. I never wanted to find my way back to you because I myself can’t distinguish if I’m really home every day. How could I every play the role of your girlfriend, sister or even your mom if I can’t even play my own role of being me? I tried my best to be that strong independent woman everyone had tagged me to be me. I hid on those fake smiles and laugh. I’ve tried to be with someone again who’s not a stranger to me but things didn’t work out. I still failed on things I thought I already knew how to play. Then how can I be with you again? I don’t want to see those disappointing eyes of yours.
Am I still deserving to be with you?
Time fleets swiftly and here I am back in this avenue. I’m stuck in the middle of my self-love and miseries but now I chose to love myself more. Those days I am not with you or someone else were the days I learned how to love myself again. It was the only time that I learned that I could be a better woman despite of all my flaws. I conquered some of my fears. I tried different activities that I’m not good at so I could spread my wings and learn to stand up again. I traveled alone. I did things out of my comfort zone believing that I could free myself with all the pain. I have written poems that people thought I have written for someone else but the truth is I’ve written those to remind myself.
You might be wondering why I wrote you a letter. I had no intentions to interfere with your happiness. I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m finally letting go of you. My love for you will always remain but love won’t always be enough to make two people stay together. We have lost ourselves along the way and have found our way back with all the decisions we had to make. I know how happy you are with her. I can see it in your eyes. I can tell that with all the stories I’ve heard. You have learned a lot from our story and I hope you continue to do the same for her
To this man that I almost married, do you still remember the night you asked me to marry you? I said yes and tears run down my face. You said you were only practicing then I cried even more not because it’s not a real deal proposal. I cried at that moment because at that moment I saw a glimpse of you waiting for me at the altar. That same night we danced together picturing ourselves attending our own wedding. At that very moment, I knew if God will permit, my heart will be always grateful to have you.
So now, as I let go of that glimpse, I want to thank you for sharing your life with me. You can already have the name of Isolde. You are my first love and that will always stay the same. You are greater than any love that I had for someone. I hope you believe me when I say this.
Until we meet again in our next life.
Your First Love <3